Hurtling toward the final day

No matter what you think about how healthy you are or your belief in God or religion, we're all now one breath closer to our last. Some people might think that thought is morbid, but it's what unifies us as living beings. No matter what your beliefs, your nationality, political persuasion, or even whether you smoke 4 packs a day or drink wheatgrass on a regular basis...we're all going to die. It's just a matter of when and how painful or surprising it will be.

I've been thinking about death more than usual recently. It doesn't make me sad the way it used to. Maybe it's because I've finally come to understand that it's a normal part of life. People have been dying since...well, since the beginning of time. Or, at least since people first roamed the earth. I want to think like I did when I was in my teens: "Everybody's doin' it! It can't be THAT bad." Of course, people (mostly women) have been having babies since the beginning of time too, but I haven't talked myself into doing that yet. I suppose like most people, I'm mostly worried about pain leading up to death. Everyone wants to die in their sleep after they've lived a long, fulfilling life. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, it just doesn't turn out that way. The fulfilling life part or the death part. The other 'choices' include disease, war, mayhem, in-home accidents, car wrecks, terrorist attacks, dog attacks, spider bites, curious rednecks, murder, tornadoes, drowning, and other various forms that eventually lead to the final heartbeat.

I love life and when I get REALLY philosophical and introspective I get the urge to run out of the house and just keep going until I've seen everything, been everywhere and experienced everything life has to offer! I'll swim with dolphins, explore wild jungles, meet wise medicine men, ski the best slopes, see all the modern AND ancient wonders of the world, roam the great cities, see historically significant locales, and eat a lot of really interesting food like those world travelers on The Food Network and The Travel Channel. But then reality sets in and I remember that I've let my passport expire so I'd need to wait at least a few weeks before that was renewed and mailed back to me. And then there's the small matter of money to do all that. How do you fit all of that into one 'normal' lifespan? And what is a normal lifespan anyway? My advice is to NOT ask an insurance actuary. You'll get stuck in the corner as they bore you to death (seriously!) telling you all about the formulas for creating mortality tables and how life spans continue to increase as modern medicine progresses.

It can't progress quickly enough in some cases. My best friend's husband may very well not live through the next 7 days. He's been battling a very rare and mysterious disease for the past 2 years and has now been diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of leukemia. He's 41 years old. It's not fair. He's one of those larger than life people who excels at everything he does. Before he was sick, he was always the life of the party and a constant bundle of energy. Why is he sick? Why does my friend have to nurse him at this stage of their lives and witness his suffering? It's taking an enormous toll on her too, of course. It's painful and frustrating knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to help or comfort either of them.

My grandmother will turn 90 in a few months. Recently, it's become apparent to all of us that she has dementia. She's also beginning to have aches and pains and get sick. She was never sick before. She was one of those amazing 'active seniors' who was always on the go, independent, healthier than I was, and sharp as a tack. All of those qualities are disappearing. I miss them. I hope she's not in pain. Not even for one second as she eases into her final days.

And who knows if her final days are truly days or if she'll muddle through and we'll prop her up in front of a cake when she turns 100? 105? When she is 105, will she be aware of it? Does she want that?

That's just it. Nobody knows the specifics of when or how they will pass into the next part of the journey. I've heard the debates about knowing you have 6 months to live vs. getting hit by a bus as you cross the street tomorrow at 9:14 AM. Which is better? Which is better for those you leave behind? My answer is neither and all of the above. There is no way to make the grieving easier. I suppose the only thing to do is to make dying easier by contemplating it early and often and looking at it as a release of any suffering and pain. If you have religious/spiritual beliefs, those can be amazingly comforting, as you realize that just because your soul no longer inhabits your physical body, there is another form of life and experience in the after. Amazing! I look forward to experiencing that some day.

It still makes the whole process difficult to reconcile at times. I don't like knowing that my friend and grandmother are quite possibly very close to death. Of course, who's to say that I'm not hurtling toward it myself at this moment? It's like a big confusing race to a finish line that is on a different spot on the track for all of us. On any given day I might be on the inside track (pizza & chocolate cheesecake combined with taking deep breaths of radioactive air as I stumble through a dark alley) or maybe I'm in it for the triathlon. Either way, I'm renewing my passport as soon as possible.